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Pennsylvania, United States
my life is run by numbers: current pounds, pounds gained, pounds lost, calorie intake, calorie burn, money in my bank account, debt of my credit cards, miles walked, stairs climbed, and the years anorexia and bulimia is taking away from my life.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Go Lightly

― Aldous Huxley, Island ―
 
“It’s dark because you are trying too hard. 
Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. 
Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. 
Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. 
I was so preposterously serious in those days, such a humorless little prig. 
Lightly, lightly – it’s the best advice ever given me. 
When it comes to dying even. Nothing ponderous, or portentous, or emphatic. 
No rhetoric, no tremolos, 
no self conscious persona putting on its celebrated imitation of Christ or Little Nell. 
And of course, no theology, no metaphysics. 
Just the fact of dying and the fact of the clear light. 
So throw away your baggage and go forward. 
There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, 
trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. 
That’s why you must walk so lightly. 
Lightly my darling, 
on tiptoes and no luggage, 
not even a sponge bag, 
completely unencumbered.” 
 
 
 
I still do not know what I meant when I sent you that text.  I stated simply that everyone was meeting at Tir for my birthday.  It was neither an invitation or a determent.
 
I knew everyone was getting out of work by 1030.  I was having fun but I kept looking at the door.  Roxx saw my glances but said nothing.  I was waiting for you to walk through that door.  And then you did.  I saw you and tried to look away.  I did not want to care that you came.  What if you did not walk over to us?  What if you walked in and were going to avoid us, carry on with your usual Monday?  You could have gone to Con's instead of Tir, but you came to Tir.
 
And you came right over to us.  You made a joke, trying to pretend that it was not my birthday.  I called you "Babe" and your face fell.  Roxx saw it, I did not.  I tried not to call you that for the rest of your time there.  You sauntered off and I remember going to the bathroom.  Roxx came with, tried to diffuse my situation.  I gathered myself and came back out to you sitting where Roxx and I were.  You were not avoiding me, you were associating with me.  You bought me a shot and toasted with Roxx and I.  It felt like old times.
 
I stood next to you and we talked.  We associated.  I did not bring up what happened just two weeks ago, did not talk about how I contacted and handled the situation with couple or asked you if you had to handle them, did not ask you if you hated me or would hate me forever or apologize to you again for what happened or beg to keep our friendship or to keep our friendship.
 
I received my birthday wish, the wish I did not dare say out loud or to anyone.  I remember thinking to myself before I fell asleep the day before my birthday that I wanted to use my birthday wish to see you again and to know if you would hate me forever. You came.  And it is obvious that you do not hate me or wish to "never associate" with me. Perhaps you just need time and space. 
 
What I really want to be saying is what I will never say to you, which is thank you.  Thank you for coming to my birthday.  Thank you for showing me that you do care about me and forgive me for my actions.  Even if our friendship does not fully resume or our romantic relationship never returns, I will have this.
 
For now, I will go lightly. 
 
If we are meant to be, whether friends or lovers, we will come crashing into each other again.  

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Make Use of a Curse

I took a later train home last night and on my way I saw a flyer that was recruiting bulimia/eating disordered individuals for it's fmRI study that they are doing.  Honestly, it was not the fact that it pays that made me pluck the sliver of paper with the contact information.  I decided to take a chance because I'm hoping that someone can make some good out of my battle. 

I had to go through a debriefing interview to see if I fully qualified for the interview.  She said at any point, if the questions were too intrusive, I could end the interview and back out of my volunteering.  I was fine until she asked me to describe, in detail, my last binge.  It was only then that I was actually horrified to admit out loud this part of my eating disorder.  I almost decided to back out of the study.  I still didn't answer truthfully (told her at least half of what I ate), but it was enough that I still qualified.

The anorexia half of my disorder never bothered me.  In fact, it always made me proud.  "Look world.  See me not eat a meal.  See me go a full day without eating.  See how light and thin I am?"  The bulimia always made me feel guilty.  If I skip a day without eating, I don't care.  Binge and/or purge and I think that my bad luck with finding new employment and regaining my relationship will continue or increase tenfold.

I am actually slowly becoming scared of this study.  The morning of it, I am required to eat a breakfast of "English muffin with a pat of butter and an 8oz glass of apple juice". I don't eat butter.  I don't eat English muffins.  And it's rare that I'll allow myself apple juice (although I am currently on a juice and vegetable fast until my birthday to try to lose 20lbs).

Hopefully my good deeds will help me.. either to face my disorder down into the dirt again or bring me the good luck I've been needing.

Friday, March 22, 2013

An unexpected love story.

I was chatting with one of the nurses at work last night, asking her about her boyfriend.  (He had made her steak and a baked potato to take to work with her to eat for dinner since it was birthday).  I confessed I had never really heard much of her story with him (just snippets, I haven't been at the hospital long enough to start a repetoire with the nurses where they gossip with me about their personal lives) so she started to tell me their story..

During her husband's affair she met this man and they began an affair of their own.  Eventually her lover left and moved to Florida to start his own life and she continued to work on her marriage.  The marriage finally dissolved in divorce years later.  One day, after the divorce, she had been on the road and a car behind her started beeping.  Her old lover had returned to Pennsylvania and, while out driving himself, saw that the car in front of him was hers (she had Virginia license plates and was the only one in the area with it).  They stopped and talked, but she was afraid to initiate anything because she knew, especially now that she was divorced, that she was start back up with him again.  She waited him out 3 weeks, he called her routinely during those weeks, and the last time he called he said that it was the last time he would call and move on.  She finally called him back, they had drinks, and they've been together since.

How funny to have a love leave you and then come right back to you, especially when you least expect it.

Thursday, March 14, 2013



Have you seen my old self?
I think I must have lost her
I wonder if I cost her
Her life?
Have you seen my second self?
She seems to grow younger
More delicate then ever
But never better

I am recycled cells
I learn to like myself
More with each iteration

Where is my restore point?
I found an old sore point
All disjointed
My file corrupted

Where is my replacement part?
I need another new heart
The other ones beat was interrupted
I am recycled cells
I learn to like myself
More with each iteration

I’m an experiment
Each trial is a test
Constant re-calibration