Make Use of a Curse

I took a later train home last night and on my way I saw a flyer that was recruiting bulimia/eating disordered individuals for it's fmRI study that they are doing.  Honestly, it was not the fact that it pays that made me pluck the sliver of paper with the contact information.  I decided to take a chance because I'm hoping that someone can make some good out of my battle. 

I had to go through a debriefing interview to see if I fully qualified for the interview.  She said at any point, if the questions were too intrusive, I could end the interview and back out of my volunteering.  I was fine until she asked me to describe, in detail, my last binge.  It was only then that I was actually horrified to admit out loud this part of my eating disorder.  I almost decided to back out of the study.  I still didn't answer truthfully (told her at least half of what I ate), but it was enough that I still qualified.

The anorexia half of my disorder never bothered me.  In fact, it always made me proud.  "Look world.  See me not eat a meal.  See me go a full day without eating.  See how light and thin I am?"  The bulimia always made me feel guilty.  If I skip a day without eating, I don't care.  Binge and/or purge and I think that my bad luck with finding new employment and regaining my relationship will continue or increase tenfold.

I am actually slowly becoming scared of this study.  The morning of it, I am required to eat a breakfast of "English muffin with a pat of butter and an 8oz glass of apple juice". I don't eat butter.  I don't eat English muffins.  And it's rare that I'll allow myself apple juice (although I am currently on a juice and vegetable fast until my birthday to try to lose 20lbs).

Hopefully my good deeds will help me.. either to face my disorder down into the dirt again or bring me the good luck I've been needing.