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Pennsylvania, United States
my life is run by numbers: current pounds, pounds gained, pounds lost, calorie intake, calorie burn, money in my bank account, debt of my credit cards, miles walked, stairs climbed, and the years anorexia and bulimia is taking away from my life.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Go Lightly

― Aldous Huxley, Island ―
 
“It’s dark because you are trying too hard. 
Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. 
Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. 
Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. 
I was so preposterously serious in those days, such a humorless little prig. 
Lightly, lightly – it’s the best advice ever given me. 
When it comes to dying even. Nothing ponderous, or portentous, or emphatic. 
No rhetoric, no tremolos, 
no self conscious persona putting on its celebrated imitation of Christ or Little Nell. 
And of course, no theology, no metaphysics. 
Just the fact of dying and the fact of the clear light. 
So throw away your baggage and go forward. 
There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, 
trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. 
That’s why you must walk so lightly. 
Lightly my darling, 
on tiptoes and no luggage, 
not even a sponge bag, 
completely unencumbered.” 
 
 
 
I still do not know what I meant when I sent you that text.  I stated simply that everyone was meeting at Tir for my birthday.  It was neither an invitation or a determent.
 
I knew everyone was getting out of work by 1030.  I was having fun but I kept looking at the door.  Roxx saw my glances but said nothing.  I was waiting for you to walk through that door.  And then you did.  I saw you and tried to look away.  I did not want to care that you came.  What if you did not walk over to us?  What if you walked in and were going to avoid us, carry on with your usual Monday?  You could have gone to Con's instead of Tir, but you came to Tir.
 
And you came right over to us.  You made a joke, trying to pretend that it was not my birthday.  I called you "Babe" and your face fell.  Roxx saw it, I did not.  I tried not to call you that for the rest of your time there.  You sauntered off and I remember going to the bathroom.  Roxx came with, tried to diffuse my situation.  I gathered myself and came back out to you sitting where Roxx and I were.  You were not avoiding me, you were associating with me.  You bought me a shot and toasted with Roxx and I.  It felt like old times.
 
I stood next to you and we talked.  We associated.  I did not bring up what happened just two weeks ago, did not talk about how I contacted and handled the situation with couple or asked you if you had to handle them, did not ask you if you hated me or would hate me forever or apologize to you again for what happened or beg to keep our friendship or to keep our friendship.
 
I received my birthday wish, the wish I did not dare say out loud or to anyone.  I remember thinking to myself before I fell asleep the day before my birthday that I wanted to use my birthday wish to see you again and to know if you would hate me forever. You came.  And it is obvious that you do not hate me or wish to "never associate" with me. Perhaps you just need time and space. 
 
What I really want to be saying is what I will never say to you, which is thank you.  Thank you for coming to my birthday.  Thank you for showing me that you do care about me and forgive me for my actions.  Even if our friendship does not fully resume or our romantic relationship never returns, I will have this.
 
For now, I will go lightly. 
 
If we are meant to be, whether friends or lovers, we will come crashing into each other again.  

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